How to Prioritize Core Values in a Relationship (Instead of a BS Checklist That Goes Nowhere)
Now onto the real sh*t…
A lot of people date with a checklist — height, job, lifestyle, hobbies, how quickly they text back… blah, blah, blah, the usual, the boring. And while preferences are totally normal, they can also distract you from the things that actually make a relationship work. The stuff that creates long-term connection isn’t superficial; it’s deeper, internal, and tied to your core values.
Your values shape how you move through the world: the way you communicate, what you believe in, how you make decisions, the kind of partner you want to be. When you date from that place instead of chasing an idealized “type,” you end up choosing people who actually fit your life — not just your fantasy.
Here’s how to shift from a checklist to something more meaningful.
Start By Getting Clear on Your Own Values
Before you can recognize shared values in someone else, you have to know what you genuinely care about.
Ask yourself:
What actually matters to me when I strip away all the noise?
What do I want my life to feel like — not just look like?
What principles guide my decisions?
For some people it’s growth, integrity, emotional honesty, stability, curiosity, or family. Whatever yours are, naming them helps you date with clarity instead of confusion. When clients work with me I am big fan of writing out what you want in a partner and on another sheet paper what you don’t want. It’s sorry easy to blow past red-flags or even our own boundaries. Having something in writing keeps you accountable to you.
When you don’t know your values, it’s easy to get pulled in by surface-level traits that feel exciting but don’t hold up long term. I’m a firm believer if you put out inconsistent sh*t to the universe, it’s gonna send you inconsistency back. You deserve clarity for yourself.
Know the Difference Between Preferences and Non-Negotiables
This is where people get stuck. Not everything on your list carries the same weight.
A preference might be “I want someone who travels,” while the underlying value is adventure or curiosity.
A preference might be a certain income or career, while the value is financial responsibility or ambition.
When you understand the deeper value underneath the preference, you stay open to people who may not match the exact picture in your head but are aligned where it counts.
Watch What They Do, Not Just What They Say
Values show up in behavior, especially in uncomfortable moments.
Pay attention to how they:
Handle conflict
Treat people they don’t need anything from
Take accountability
Move through stress
Talk about their past relationships
Someone can say they value honesty, vulnerability, loyalty, or growth — but their actions will tell you the truth.
Have Real Conversations Early On
You don’t need to interrogate someone on the first date, but weaving in deeper questions helps you see how someone thinks and what they care about.
Questions like:
“What’s something you’re working on within yourself?”
“How do you handle hard conversations?”
“What’s important to you in a long-term partnership?”
It’s not about getting perfect answers — it’s about seeing whether your values naturally line up.
If someone dismisses these questions as “too deep,” that’s usually a sign they’re not looking for the same kind of connection you are.
Choose Compatibility Over Just Chemistry
Chemistry is fun — it pulls you in quickly.
But compatibility is what keeps you grounded.
Chemistry is the spark.
Compatibility is the foundation. Compatibility doesn’t necessarily mean likes the same things you do, but if that’s important to you. Be clear about it. That’s ok too.
A values-aligned partner is someone who:
Respects your boundaries
Supports your growth
Communicates with honesty
Shares a similar vision for life
Shows up consistently
That’s what builds something sustainable, not just the early rush.
Get Clarity With Yourself
If you want a relationship that feels solid and aligned, start with your values and work outward — not the other way around.
Your values will guide you toward partners who match your emotional world, your goals, and your long-term vision, even if they don’t check every single box you once thought was essential.
If you want help getting clear on your relationship patterns, values, or what a healthy partnership actually looks like for you, you can book a consultation with me and we’ll explore it together. You’ll also get my direct, yet lovable compassionate approach that helps you uncover what you really want.