New Year, New You, New Relationship Rules
You might be finding yourself single in the New Year. Maybe you have had a little come to with yourself about not letting yourself fall into the same traps or the same relationship patterns. You might be considering and digging deep for what you wanting out of your next relationship, partner, spouse, or what you are willing to tolerate on the dating scene. I work with folks struggling in their relationships or are single. I’m going to share with you my number #1 tip that I have seen change people’s lives.
My #1 Tip
One thing that I found personally helpful in my own dating journey and also what I share with folks that come to work with me, is seeking internal clarity about what they want but here’s the catch…. you gotta write it down.
But, Sarah how do I even do this? I don’t know what I want?
The best thing I ever did for myself when I was single and tired of dating in circles (that we all have found ourselves in at some point in life) is writing it all down, getting clear with myself about the things I wanted and didn’t want. And not bullshitting myself about it.
I remember this one day vividly where I found myself crying in my car telling myself I wasn’t going to be dating the same type of person that continually let me down or wasn't a good fit. This was about a year before I went to graduate school to become a therapist. My life has changed in pretty big ways since I started being intentional about practicing showing up for myself more, gaining clarity, and getting clear about what and what I didn’t want and ACTUALLY communicating about it.
I went home and pulled out a drawing pad and began writing down all the things I didn’t want in my next relationship because that seemed easier to do at first.
I allowed myself to be brutal. Honest. Raw. Hell, who was ever going to see this thing except for me anyways.
Then on the flip side of the page, I wrote down the things I wanted. I also took some time here. I accounted for the things I thought were silly or simple that I had never asked for or frankly expected out of a relationship. Things I never felt brave enough to admit out loud I wrote them down. Then I put this list away and lived my life.
Is it Really That Simple?
Is that all it takes, a list? No… but also yes. It’s so easy for those of us who are understanding, give people the benefit of the doubt, or have a high capacity to hold the nuance of complexity of what it means to be human, that we begin to to forget or overlook the things that mean something to us. We might settle for one thing, then the next, and before you know it you are right back in the same shitty cycle.
Writing things down, holds yourself accountable to your boundaries. It makes you responsible and in charge of your happiness (that last little bit is so easy to forget). It gives you something to refer back to instead of getting lost or caught in the newness of a potential relationship or finding yourself giving someone the benefit of the doubt, when you shouldn't. If you are looking to learn more about how to stop dating the same person on repeat or looking to do something different in your relationships this year, reach out to me here.
P.s. This isn’t written my AI so there is human error.
-Signed Your Enneagram 8 Therapist, Sarah