What’s The One Question To Ask Your Family and Friends Over the Holidays?
I was mulling over the holiday season as I am apt to do as a therapist and as someone who has complex relationship dynamics within my own family.
But first…we can all cut the bull-shit on this one, the holidays are hard for so many reasons.
To the person who lost not one but multiple family members this past year that feels like the very joy of holiday season has been sucked out of them along with anything else.
To the people pleasing mom’s that are trying so hard to make all the moments and memories perfect when they are riddled with burn-out and anxiety.
To the couple getting separated or divorced even though they told themselves when they first met they wouldn’t be this statistic.
Or maybe you are struggling with not numbing out with alcohol or other things.
The holidays are hard. Full stop. Just hard. So how do we in our families, in our friendships, in the world move through this when it feels like we are running into emotional boulders at every turn? I’ll get there but first I want to weave in something important. Patience is virtue, I know because I don’t have it-but bear with me here…
As a relationship and trauma therapist I often help people repair or gain new closeness and intimacy in their relationships. Time and time again I see this theme come in all aspects of my work “vulnerability" or lack thereof.
You might be asking: What the hell does that mean, Sarah? I like to think of vulnerability as something I am avoiding or covering up in myself and reaching for in someone else. As an enneagram 8w9, I understand this well. My entire defense system is built on being a fortress of protection for myself and others, aka invulnerable as fuck, except of course I’m really not.
As a society we are often other-focused. They need to change. They caused the problem. They don’t care. And yes maybe that’s true, but where are you in that conversation you are telling yourself, eclipsing the very tender and raw parts of ourselves we need to attend to. I smell a whiff of self-abandonment coming.
The conversations you might be having or core beliefs about yourself might be, the fear of being insignificant, not mattering, being left, being alone, worried about that your brother doesn’t actually care about you, worried your kids won’t ever speak to you again. All of that angst is hanging behind you emotionally and energetically. Those conversations you have played on repeat in your head, yeah- that’s there too in the background and entering every conversation you have. We tell ourselves, we shouldn’t say something, that' person can’t handle it (when really we might not be able to handle/take care of ourselves if we get hurt). All the meanwhile distancing ourselves from our own vulnerability, our part in the conversation. All that “stuff” is hanging in the air behind you, like books on a bookcase that you drag into every interaction with that dreaded family member, your spouse, your kids, or your mother.
However, you can do something with it. You can have the conversation. You can let that person know how you feel with kindness and respect and ask for them to move into repair with you. But you have to show up vulnerably first, find yourself first, then ask for what you need.
TLDR: What’s the one thing to ask your family and friends during the holidays? You already know it. Ask the thing you have been wanting to ask. Share the thing you have been avoiding. Let that person know how they hurt you. Ask them about what’s changed. Just fucking do it. Show up vulnerably. What do you have to lose?
If you want to learn more about to do this or feel are feeling stuck in relationships or feel like negative beliefs are running unchecked, feel free to reach out.
Signed,
Your Enneagram 8 Therapist- Sarah